I often hear from wives who are trying to change their husband’s mind about divorce. Some common comments I hear are things like, “He wants a divorce but I still love him and don’t want to be without him.” Or, “He has filed for divorce. I still love him and want to save the marriage. Do I have to agree to this? Is there nothing he can do?”

The situation is difficult enough when you know that you still love your husband but you doubt that his desire to date means that he still loves you. But, when you add the mention or filing of divorce to the mix, you can add some volatility to an already difficult situation. You can definitely feel like you’re running out of time. In the next article, I’ll talk about non-legal strategies you can try when you’re sure that continuing to love him means you don’t want the divorce to go ahead.

Understand that his desire to divorce does not always mean that he no longer loves you: The overwhelming perception is that if a man wants or files for a divorce, he no longer loves his wife and wants to get away from her as soon as possible. This is not always true. Sometimes he just doesn’t know what else to do or just doesn’t see any other viable solution. Sometimes I talk to husbands in this situation and many tell me that divorce is on the table because they just don’t see any real change or improvement on the horizon.

I often hear them say things like, “We’ve tried a lot of different things, but nothing ever changes. I’m not happy and I know she probably isn’t either. It’s not that I don’t love her. I do. But I just don’t think staying married It’s what’s best for neither of us. The situation has reached a point where it’s not good for either of us.”

Do you see the difference here? It is not that the husband in this situation does not love his wife. It is that his perceptions are telling him that he is in an unhappy situation that is not going to change. So, in his mind, the best (and probably only) option is to walk away so that they can eventually be happy again.

Continuing to love your husband might not be enough (at least in your eyes) to talk him out of going through with the divorce: Many times, wives in this situation insist on the fact that they still love their husbands. I often have husbands tell me that the wife repeats the phrase “But I still love you” like a mantra. The thing is, if love was enough, you probably wouldn’t be thinking about getting a divorce. So while still having loving feelings for him is a very good thing, it’s not the only thing. Don’t let this be your only goal.

Remember how I said that the reason he got divorced was probably because he thought things in the marriage were bleak and would never change? Well, this is often the best place to put her attention. You have to show him that things can get better and things can change. You have to show him that both of you can be happy. (Telling him often is no longer enough.)

Often when I tell wives this, they respond with things like, “I’m afraid it’s too late for that. He’s not going to believe me now. He’s going to think I’m just trying to manipulate him into changing his mind.” “You may be right. At least this may be your answer at first. But you’ll never know unless you try. And usually the worst thing that happens is that it improves your perception of yourself and the marriage. This It’s certainly not a bad thing.Yes, you’ll usually have to be patient and take things slowly, but I’ve seen many marriages saved simply by focusing on improving the husband’s thoughts and perceptions and making real changes in the relationship.

How can I change my mind about divorce when it’s already decided and he won’t listen to me?: This is one of the most common questions I get asked. The thing is, it’s very likely that you’ve been repeating the same words over and over again so much that your husband has become immune to them. So when you start to go down the same old road, he glazes over and stops listening. He no longer wants to hear the same old thing because, at least in his mind, he knows how things are going to turn out.

Often the way around this is to change the message. Usually when I say this, some wives take it to mean doing or saying something really dramatic or outrageous to get his attention. No, I really mean the opposite. She is likely to suspect that you are approaching despair, so this is your first chance to show her that her perceptions (on many levels) are quite wrong.

Instead of trying to negotiate or reason with him, make him think that you agree. Many wives give me a shocked look when I mention this. I often get responses like, “So you want me to agree to the divorce? Are you kidding me? Are you crazy?” I promise you the answer is no to all of these questions. Basically, I am asking you to take a more cooperative stance because this will improve your situation on many levels. It usually eventually means that your husband will be given more access. It also usually means that she begins to see you in a more positive light.

You don’t have to go full speed ahead with the divorce. And this certainly does not mean that you give up. It simply means that you are changing your strategy and it works like this. When you can be calm and convincing, tell your husband that you have given this a lot of thought and you see and understand that he is doing what he thinks is right. You obviously don’t want to get a divorce, but you want the two of you to be happy and you don’t want to continue to commit to him because your relationship is too important to you. You should focus on the fact that you want to save your friendship because that will be your “attraction.”

Of course, you know you don’t want the relationship to end in divorce, but if this is how you have to play to gain access and change perceptions, then everyone wins. At this point, you start to take very small steps. She shows her husband that the two of you can connect in a positive way and shows him that her thinking that she is better off without you may not have been correct. This usually takes some time and usually works best if you move very slowly. But this process usually helps you gain a lot of ground and is likely to save some marriages as well.