My husband has said horrible and hurtful things to me, so I’m not sure we can save our marriage.

Saving your marriage with two willing people can feel overwhelming and overwhelming at times. But saving your marriage when one of the spouses is not involved and has said very hurtful things can seem downright impossible. A wife could be dealing with a marriage in which both parties have said hurtful things that have caused resentment, hurt feelings, and a sense of hopelessness. In this type of situation, it can be difficult to determine where to start.

A wife might say, “I admit that while my husband and I have been struggling through a separation, I’ve said some pretty bad things to him. It frustrates me to feel like he doesn’t care. Like I’ve just been fired while he’s indulging in order and decide what you want. So yeah, in my frustration, I’ve called him selfish. But even before we broke up, he was saying really hurtful things to me. For example, he said I sold him a list of goods when we were dating. He said he was dating a laid back, fun girl who was slim and healthy. But after marrying me he got uptight, too serious. Person who was overweight. He acts like I’m cheating on him on purpose and then changing my personality out of spite. I don’t know He realizes that people mature naturally and change over time. He even called me ‘big’ once. And he said he thinks I enjoy making him unhappy. These are cheap shots. But we have kids in which ue think. So I asked him if he thinks it will be possible to save our marriage. His response was that he doesn’t know, but that he thinks it’s best if we just go with the flow right now. It is quite distant and cold. Despite this, I would like to save my marriage for the sake of my children. But when I mention this to my sister or to my friends, they both ask me why I would want to be married to someone who has said hurtful things to me. I understand your point. Are hurtful words an indication that you can’t or shouldn’t save your marriage? “

I am not a counselor, but in my unprofessional opinion, that depends. If your spouse is in the habit of saying hurtful things to you regardless of whether he is angry or if you are fighting, then this is problematic because he shows a pattern of cruelty or lack of empathy. If he’s saying bad things only to hurt you without regard for your feelings and the relationship is constantly toxic, then you’d want to see some changes before making a long-term commitment.

That said, it’s extremely common for both people to say pretty horrible things in the middle of a fight or during a breakup. Emotions can be incredibly high. Both spouses can say things that they deeply regret and feel incredibly ashamed and regretful about later on. I know this was the case during my own separation. We both said really sorry things to each other. I wish I could get them back, but I can’t. Your husband may feel that way too. It really comes down to a question of whether the hurtful things were said in the heat of the moment or whether it is your husband’s typical habit to be verbally hurtful or abusive. There is a difference between a couple who have a regrettable fight and exchange hurtful insults and a marriage in which one spouse constantly looks down on the other for sport. If you can’t decide which category your marriage falls into, I suggest you ask a counselor or a neutral third party. Sometimes we get so close to our situation that we can no longer see it objectively.

If you decide that your husband’s words were due to the situation rather than intentionally hurting you, then I can tell you that it is possible to go beyond hurtful interactions. My husband and I were really brutal to each other during our separation. And I was just as guilty as he was. It hurt so much that he moved out that I was deliberately cruel because I was just trying to get a reaction from him. Ultimately, however, I made the decision to put aside any anger I had about these conversations because I wanted to move on. I decided to use the conversations to draw a line in the sand to define the type of marriage that I no longer wanted. Sure, no one can go through life without saying something angrily to their spouse, but with effort and time, you can improve your marriage so that more words are spoken with joy than with anger.

When your marriage gets back on track and you feel loving and protective of your spouse again, those kinds of hurtful conversations usually don’t come up very often. If the conversations are bothering you, then you can certainly ask for clarification when things settle down and when you are back on solid ground. It would be fair to ask him if he really has a problem with his weight or behavior, but I suspect that if you have this conversation when things are better (or he has reconciled), he will say that he only said those things because he was angry at the time.

But to answer the original question, you save your marriage in this scenario by wondering what your husband’s intentions were. Once you are satisfied that these hurtful comments are not a habit, then work on yourself first and then your marriage as things calm down and you can. I know things seem immediate and explosive now, but as time goes on things tend to calm down so they can communicate more productively and without hurting each other.

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