Every relationship goes through what is typically called the “Honeymoon Phase,” that moment early on when we become insufferable to those around us with all the cooing, the Velcro on our hips, feeding ourselves apple pie, and the unbearable. Put an end to verbal outpourings about how wonderful the other person is.

This is the part of the process where we try to get to know each other; during courtship the goal/intention is to gain affection. We are determined to convince the other person that you deserve their affection. So much so that we’re introducing them to the kind of person we THINK is the kind of person they want to be with, introducing them to what we perceive to be our “better side”, which makes for all the TV sitcoms. there.

One of the key elements of the human being is pleasure and fun. In the process of creating a “playful” environment that attracts this new partner to stay with them, one thing that people will do is use that sense of playfulness to define their boundaries. We will tease each other as a way of showing things that we value or devalue, so if one partner is doing something the other thinks is silly or stupid, they will gently tease each other, jokingly with the covert intent of saying “I think that’s stupid.” “. /silly.” Although funny at the time, there is a serious intent underlined. Have you ever heard of the idiom “Comedy is a funny way to be serious”?

The reason why we are joking is because we are still in the honeymoon stage. We have to do it in a way that still brings a sense of pleasure to the other person; we have to continue to show that we are the person they want to be with. As the relationship continues, it becomes a pattern and continues back and forth as the two people do things to balance power, set boundaries, etc.

However, there is a tipping point where it becomes too trusting of a communication style. While the intention was fun, as the relationship matures, it begins to create feelings of resentment and shame. When more than half of the communication in the relationship turns into teasing/putting down, unconscious suffering will slowly build up and that accumulation of unconscious suffering will morph into abuse.

In the early stages it was jokes and games, like correcting the other person (words, way of dressing, how they do something), playful violence, those kinds of things can lead to an emotionally and physically abusive relationship. It happens comment by comment until it escalates to the point where even outsiders can see it as abuse. Have you ever wondered why someone doesn’t leave an abusive relationship? This is why; it happens so slowly, building on feel-good honeymoon jokes that they never see it coming.

The concept is that you want to be aware of and pay attention to the behaviors of those you are in a relationship with; Be aware of their intention and how they make you feel. Negative behaviors that appear to be done with positive overt intent may actually be negative. When it stops being fun and playful and your reaction is filled with feelings of shame and resentment, then you have moved into abusive territory.

This is when you get help and/or start using your Verbal Self Defense. It’s up to you to stop the cycle.