“Closure” is something we all need in our lives. From time to time, we find ourselves in situations that leave us feeling like we are “hanging” by a thread. This is such an unsettling feeling. There are different types of uncomfortable situations and conflicts; some are caused by you and some are not… but if a situation has not been dealt with, it can make you feel very bad.

There have been many times in my life, and I’m sure you have experienced this too, when there has been an argument or a communication gap with a friend, co-worker, your child’s teacher, a family member , etc. The result, if not handled with due care and communication, may be no closure. This will become the white elephant in the room, the dark cloud that hangs over your shoulder every time you think about or see that person.

My dad passed away over five years ago, and his trust and estate are yet without placing. His wife has done some really horrible things and she has dragged my family through the court system, depositions and trials. The reason is greed… but the bottom line is that my brothers and I have not had any closure due to their unethical actions. Every time we receive documents in the mail from his lawyers, it is a painful reminder that this chapter of our lives is not closed… our grief cannot be complete… we cannot move on.

Carrying an unresolved problem is a very heavy burden. I know that when there is an issue that I need to talk to someone about, I feel like it’s best to bring it up! If I don’t clean the air right away, it will rot and get bigger and bigger and uglier! When that happens, it can get so out of control that you miss the real problem. If there is no closure, it will build and build as other issues arise. That is when resentment, anger and hostility are born.

 Have you ever had a problem that grew because there was no closure?

Were you avoiding the problem, or was the other person involved trying to avoid the problem?

Did your friendship dissolve over this conflict and lack of communication and closure?

Is it still stored in the back of your mind, like a caged lion waiting to pounce?

I have met some people who always have conflicts and unresolved problems with people. It seems strange to me, but it seems that in fact What conflict. They feel more comfortable when there is drama; therefore, you create those situations. These people generally grew up in a family where drama, gossip and fighting were present in their home…it feels “comfortable” and “normal” for them. Does that come home to you? Do you wonder why the conflict is forever here? If so, look at your education and make the necessary changes to stop the cycle. I personally don’t like conflicts. I prefer everyone to get along. However, I have found myself in some situations that were awkward and unstable.

I once found myself in a conflict with someone that lasted for about a year. I let my feelings grow and fester and become something that never should have been. I finally decided that I didn’t like all the negative weight I was carrying because of this issue… I called a meeting with the person I had a “rifle” with. We sat and talked for a good 45 minutes… And then it was done! It was miraculous: as we talked, I could feel a weight lifted from my shoulders, my mood lifted, and I immediately felt a freedom and love for this person. Compassion and understanding quickly replaced hostility and discomfort for both of them. We talked openly and were able to see the other person’s side; we set some healthy boundaries and came to some positive understandings. It was a win-win situation due to honest and respectful communication and closing.

Usually, when there is a conflict, without closure, fear is present: fear of being hurt, fear of losing, fear of being embarrassed, fear of taking ownership of doing something bad, etc. People avoid confrontation because they automatically think that one side will “lose,” and they don’t want it to be that way. them. They are pretty sure they are right and have a hard time seeing the other person’s perspective and therefore cannot fathom that they could reach a situation where both are heard and happy.

However, if the conflict is handled with grace and love, it will most likely end in a WIN-WIN situation.
Both parties can leave feeling like they got what they wanted.
Both parties can feel validated, confirmed and respected.

Take Action: Is there someone with whom you have a conflict where communication and closure have been avoided? This week and beyond, let’s create closure. If there is a conflict with someone hiding and lurking like a lion in your life, take steps to resolve it. Be the strong, humble, mature person… call a meeting and resolve the issue… take ownership on your end, create a win-win situation, have closure and move on without that negative weight on your shoulders . In the future, let’s try to communicate openly and honestly so that conflicts do not arise.