What does setting limits have to do with conflict resolution? It turns out more than you think. How do you typically respond to conflict? If you tend to be rebellious or compliant, you probably haven’t had much practice setting limits. Clearly, setting limits is not usually part of a child’s education. Rather, children are conditioned not to set limits as a way to avoid negative reactions from others. The ability to set limits, to take care of yourself, begins with the belief that you are worth taking care of yourself.

If you’ve learned that taking care of yourself results in conflict, rejection, or abandonment, you’re likely to avoid when you need to set a boundary, rather than take the risk. Also, you may have had a shortage of good role models. Most adults tend to fall into one of two categories: Bulldozers or Doormats.

The bulldozers’ battle cry is “my way or the highway.” They believe they are entitled to have their needs met and attended to at the expense of others. Doormats are “good” guys. They are very accommodating and do so at the expense of their own needs. None of these patterns is really about setting limits. Boundary setting is always based on your own needs and is based on honest and direct communication (rather than manipulation and clairvoyance)

Things to know about setting limits

– Good and decent people set limits. Setting limits makes you a safe person. People know where they stand with you. Boundaries are how we take care of ourselves. We have both the right and the duty to protect and defend ourselves.

– Generous people set limits. If you don’t set limits, you’re giving yourself away. With limits, you only give what you want, which means you can afford to be generous to more people over a longer period of time.

– Limits allow others to grow. Because it makes others aware of their behavior, thus allowing them to change.

– Limits allow you to get more of what you want and less of what you don’t. Boundaries not only protect you from unwanted behavior, they also encourage the behavior you want.

– Effective people set limits. Because doing so keeps you in control of your time and efforts, which makes you feel better about yourself. This leads you to be more effective.

– Stick to your weapons. For boundary setting to work for you, you must develop a commitment to stand up for what is right and true for you. You must act consistently to maintain your limits.

– Practice makes perfect. If this is unfamiliar behavior, it will feel awkward and unnatural at first, but anything worth doing is worth doing wrong at first. People may not like you at first, it’s only natural that they are used to getting their way with you. Keep going. With practice you will become more skillful and graceful.

Examples of personal boundaries

Other people may not

– Criticize me.
– Humiliate me.
– Invading my personal space or belongings.
– Lie to Me.
– Make derogatory comments about my appearance.
– Take advantage of me.
– Take out your anger or frustrations with me.

If we don’t respect ourselves, how can we expect to get the respect of others?

Benefits of Setting Limits

– Contribution to the Welfare of Others.
– Freedom from Bad Behavior, Fear or Pain.
– Increased self-esteem and self-respect.
– More respect from others.
– Requirement of Honest and Direct Communication.

Boundary Setting Examples

– Anger – “You can’t keep yelling at me. If you do, I will leave the room and end this meeting.”

– Buy time – “I have a policy of not making rash decisions. I need time to think and reflect on what I want to do. If you need an immediate answer, it will be no.”

– Criticism – “It’s not right for me that you want comments about my weight. Please stop. If you don’t, I won’t be able to continue this conversation.”

– Additional commitments – “Although this is an important issue for me, I must decline your request for help at this time. Or I need to meet the needs of my family.”

– Money – “I won’t lend you any more money. I care about you and you need to start taking responsibility for yourself.”

Guidelines for setting a limit

– Configuration of backup limits with action.
– Be Direct, Firm and Friendly.
– Do not debate, defend or over-explain.
– Have support readily available on the sideline from the start.
– Stay strong, don’t give up.

REMEMBER, it is not enough to set limits, you need to be willing to do whatever it takes to enforce them. What is the role of

CONSEQUENCES

– Set clearly and not emotionally.
– Actions you are willing to take.
– You can allow gradual changes.
– It can be negotiable instead of rigid lines in the sand.

Setting personal boundaries and limits can be very important in the way you conduct your life and the quality of the relationships you have.