I remember shortly after losing my father I felt angry. Goal Why? I have asked myself this question many times throughout my life, usually after the death of someone I loved. Here are some things I learned on my journey of self discovery.
Sooner or later they all leave, or die.
This is one of the truths that we all must finally come to terms with. We will lose people throughout our lives. Some of those losses will make us sad and angry, while others will not. I had to ask myself why this is true and learned that it has a lot to do with our connections to the person we have lost.
When my father died, I was very sad at first, but then I got angry. How could he leave us? How could he stop fighting and die? Why didn’t he receive treatments before? Why? Why? WHY? This was the most difficult time for me regarding this situation. He was newly married and had a mother and four younger sisters who depended on me for help. I soon began to see that my questions were somewhat irrational. After all, dad didn’t make the decision to die and leave his family, did he?
I could tell he was mad that he left me alone with my brothers and mom and he wouldn’t be there for me! Yes, he was angry out of selfishness. Dad left me to fend for myself throughout life. Without his help, guidance and understanding. I was downright angry, angry at GOD. It just wasn’t fair!
But soon the anger left me as life went on and it wasn’t until I lost my husband a few years later that this horrible anger resurfaced. I quickly recognized the symptoms. Feelings of abandonment, loss of support and love from the person I planned to spend the rest of my life with. Being forced to be a single mother, and then some. This time I was angry with my husband. Why did he refuse to see a doctor even after we begged him to go? This was a case where it would take a long time to stop blaming him and forgive him for leaving us alone.
After a while I remarried, but that marriage also ended in loss. Another kind of loss. This time it was the loss of a dream. All she really wanted back then was to be a wife and mother. Oh, I know it sounds cheesy now, but it’s the truth. This time my marriage was stolen by alcoholism. He came in, grabbed my husband, and destroyed our lives. I never thought I could get divorced, but alcohol abuse and the violence that goes with it changed my views.
My anger at losing my self-respect by allowing myself to become an abused wife was debilitating. But I finally forgave myself for being so weak and vowed never to lose that part of myself again, and I never have. One more try. I remarried several years later and this time everything seemed to fit together, until…
Cancer took my husband and left me with a thirteen-month-old son and three other children. Angry is probably not the best word. I guess you’d say he was mad at God for doing this to me again. How could he leave me like this? What about my children? But then again, over time I learned something. Again I remembered my selfishness. It was one night that my son told me that he felt sad because his stepfather had died because now he couldn’t take him fishing. Talk about babies’ mouths!
It was the slap he needed. Nobody, God, did nothing to me. It was simply that my husband’s time had come. His life cycle had run its course. It was not a deliberate attempt to hurt or destroy me. And I don’t think it was some kind of test. It just was what it was.
Since then I have suffered more losses of family and friends. But now I see that anger, whether short-term or long-term, is actually a natural reaction to having something taken away from you. A reaction to feelings that you are out of control, that you will be missing something you value in your life.
No one really knows what happens when we die. We have beliefs, certainly, but as far as I know, no one really KNOWS. With this uncertainty comes fear, and in fear we find a reaction like anger. Yes, anger can be the result of fear. It’s that thing that pumps adrenaline through your bloodstream and prepares you for fight or flight.
But fear can also teach us. If you experience anger after the loss of a loved one, don’t feel ashamed or alone. It is one of the natural progressions through the cycle of grief, just as death is the natural progression of the cycle of life. Look deep into your anger and see if you can simply be afraid to live without…
Eventually, the anger will go away and bittersweet memories will rise up to take its place… Really! I know, I’ve been there, I’ve done that.