In the early days of a relationship, a couple may explore different approaches to pleasure. Given the sexual passivity of women, it is typically the man who takes the sexual initiative. A man is motivated to explore a lover’s body because he gets aroused from doing so. A woman is not. Typically, men try different approaches to sexual pleasure with the limits set by a woman’s objections. Over time, instead of this random, silent approach, a couple may want to invest in more open communication about their sex life. A woman might suggest, outside of the bedroom, activities she would like to try or how she would like a lover to stimulate her. Women should be more proactive with a lover. If a woman has read erotic literature or seen pornographic movies, it is possible that she identifies with the role of giving pleasure.
Looking good is far less important to many straight men. Your main concern in a sexual relationship is your ability to enjoy your erection. But a woman approaches sex with a focus on her entire body. She assumes that a man can appreciate her skin, her breasts and his genitals. She feels exposed to some degree and that her attractiveness is a vital part of a couple’s sex life. So if he’s feeling out of shape, he may be less willing to offer sex.
A woman accepts intercourse because of the inherent authority that comes with the sexual drive of men. The male sexual drive provides some security for a man’s commitment. Women don’t need men to perform, but they come to expect it. A woman worries (if a man no longer loves her) that she loves another. In romantic fiction, a woman is carried away by a man’s sexual passion. A man makes love to a woman to demonstrate her sexual admiration for her. So, for example, a man does not make love to a prostitute. We never talk about a woman making love to a man. Men want sex, not love.
Some men may settle for the sexual services of a prostitute. Women do not turn to male prostitutes in the same way because they want sex within an emotionally significant relationship, usually with a loving partner. A woman can feel loved because a man needs her sexually. Many men also don’t want to have sex with a stranger. But a man can enjoy his arousal and orgasm without the need for a relationship. Women engage in casual sex out of ego, but they don’t get physical gratification like men do.
Humans have much more sex than is needed for reproduction. So even men are not motivated by a purely biological drive. Our minds are aroused by the opportunity to have sex with different sexual partners or in different settings. Few men would leave a relationship in which they have regular and varied sex with an enthusiastic and adventurous partner. Men seek a variety of partners because they are bored with marital sex.
Older women may complain that their husbands no longer want to make love to them. Sex is a demonstration of a man’s love and sexual admiration for a woman. A woman can miss sex but this has nothing to do with orgasm. If she wanted an orgasm, she could masturbate. The person who is more sexually motivated should make the effort. Instead of complaining about what she is not doing to her partner, a woman should offer him pleasure.
Some women are much more proactive as lovers than others. This is related to personality, culture, and how much a woman identifies with women in erotic fiction. Men like to assume that a woman is proactive because she herself is turned on. This fantasy assures a man that a woman will be willing to have regular sexual relations. Women who invest in their sex lives do so by making a conscious effort to please a lover (just like prostitutes do).
Sex is like a conversation and no one enjoys talking to themselves. A man appreciates a lover who occasionally takes the sexual initiative. He also appreciates a lover who gives him permission to explore her body. A woman can enjoy this scenario because she abdicates any need for effort. She can just lie there and enjoy the sensations of being stimulated by a lover even though the feelings do not culminate in a climax.
If men just wanted an orgasm, they could masturbate. Men enjoy penetrating and ejaculating in the body of a lover. Men like to have the lights on, use mirrors, and a mistress who is provocative. Male arousals are raw, graphic, and obvious. They enjoy a woman who makes sexual invitations, such as spreading her legs or keeping her buttocks open.
Women assume that men are automatically turned on. Men need specific erotic stimuli such as female genitalia or sexual activity. A woman can buy sexy nightwear or pornographic videos to watch together naked. A woman needs to project her appreciation for her lover. She may make encouraging comments about her excitement at the prospect of being penetrated by him. Sometimes a woman needs to proactively offer herself some pleasure.
The most common reason men gave for having sex outside of marriage was sexual rejection by their wives, or the boring nature of repeated sex with the same person in marriage. (Shere Hite 1993)